US, China face 'trust deficit' as China's heir apparent visits

Chinese Vice President Xi Jinping, China's likely leader for the next decade, will meet President Obama this week, as well as make trips to Iowa and California.

?It is clearly not the prospect that Chinese Vice President Xi Jinping may sign a deal to buy more American soybeans that lends significance to his US tour this week.

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???Instead, this is a mood-setting visit, giving President Obama a chance to take the measure of the man most likely to lead China for the next 10 years, and offering Mr. Xi an opportunity to get a better feel for America.

???The trip is also important to Xi for his own political reasons. He is generally expected to become the head of the ruling Communist party next autumn, and to take over the Chinese presidency early next year.

?His capacity to deal with the US in a way that induces respect and to show that he can handle the US effectively ? is extremely important? to his peers in Beijing, says Kenneth Lieberthal, director of the China Center at the Brookings Institution in Washington.

???And as the US and China clash over a wide range of political and economic issues, ?their two leaders need to feel they have a good read on each other at a personal and political level,? Professor Lieberthal adds.

???Officials and analysts on both sides of the Pacific point to a fundamental flaw in the most important bilateral relationship in the world: Neither side trusts the other.

????The trust deficit sums up a very clear fact,? Chinese Vice Foreign Minister Cui Tiankai said here last week. ?The level of mutual trust between China and the United States lags behind what is required for the further expansion of our bilateral relationship. Vice President Xi?s visit will present a very important opportunity to further enhance our mutual trust.?

???The list of policy issues over which Beijing and Washington differ is long and varied. It includes how to handle Iran?s nuclear program, the value of the Chinese currency, the Renminbi, how to deal with the Syrian government, trade disputes, investment opportunities for US firms in China and the roles both sides want to play in the South China Sea.

????The relationship is not in good shape and there is a lot of competition in various spheres,? says David Shambaugh, a China expert at George Washington University in Washington.

???Neither side expects any breakthroughs from Xi?s talks at the White House, the State Department, the Pentagon, and Congress. Xi is still only the vice president, his portfolio does not include foreign affairs, and he will not want to make any compromises that might make him appear soft on Washington before his accession to the pinnacle of power.

Source: http://rss.csmonitor.com/~r/feeds/csm/~3/hJc8Q87-O-o/US-China-face-trust-deficit-as-China-s-heir-apparent-visits

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Bad Credit Mortgage Refinance Tips and Advice | Rai Chertkoff Real ...

Mortgage Refinance

Bad credit mortgage refinance is used to help homeowners fix two different problems. Here, we discuss bad credit mortgage refinance, and the options homeowners have:

The First Problem Mortgage Refinance can Fix

A homeowner has a bad credit score, high interest debts, and a home which they have built up equity in. This homeowner can use the equity in their home and pay off their high interest debts by refinancing and getting cash back from the equity. Even though the interest rates you get with a bad credit mortgage refinance are typically higher than the average, they are often always lower than credit card interest rates. So, your total payments to debts should be lower every month, and you can improve your financial situation.

When a homeowner refinances in an attempt to get cash back and pay off other debts, this is called a debt consolidation loan.

In order to do this, the homes market value must have improved, in order to get a higher amount loan than you have now, if you don?t have enough equity at least.

There are several advantages to getting a refinancing, even with not so good credit. The mortgage length can be extended, making the payments lower every month. As said earlier, even though sub prime mortgage rates are higher than average mortgage rates, they are almost always lower than credit card interest rates. So a homeowner can refinance, pay off other debts, and still save money every month. Otherwise foreclosure, or defaulting on your mortgage are going to be the next step.

Homeowners who want to get a debt consolidation loan with a bad credit home loan refinance need to know the importance of actually using the money to pay off your debts.

Free credit counseling is always available from HUD to help prevent homeowners from continuing in their poor credit making decisions.

The Second Problem a Bad Credit Mortgage Refinance Can Fix

Sometimes homeowners have bad credit when they are purchasing their home, and had to get a high interest sub prime mortgage. Since then, sometime has passed, all payments have been made in full and on time, and you are now eligible to get a lower interest rate through mortgage refinancing into a conventional loan.

However, you should know that even if you have remained perfect on all credit issues, a refinancing with less than perfect credit may not be possible into a conventional loan, and a sub prime loan will be needed.

Getting a Bad Credit Mortgage Refinance is a good idea is these statements are true:

1)The new mortgage will have an interest rate which is 2% or more lower than your current home loan.

2)You plan on living in your home for at least 36 months, possibly more.

Related posts:

  1. Bad Credit Mortgage Refinance Advice
  2. A Few Tips On Getting A Bad Credit Mortgage Refinance
  3. Tips for Home Mortgage Refinance
  4. Mortgage Refinance Best Rates
  5. Refinance-Mortgage: With Bad Credit

Source: http://www.rai-chertkoff.com/2012/02/10/bad-credit-mortgage-refinance-tips-and-advice/

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Daily Tips for Business: Strategic-Planning

Developing a promotional strategy is something that many people think about, but very few people end up ever putting into action. On one hand, it's one of the most profitable activities you can ever do in your business. On the other hand, it does take work and typically only the most dedicated entrepreneurs end up doing it.

Source: http://dailytipsforbusiness.blogspot.com/2012/02/strategic-planning_09.html

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Disney considering 28-day rental window, because 'On Stranger Tides' was that good

That sound you can hear is the studios dashing around as they look for a new scapegoat. Disney's got Redbox and Netflix in its sights as it declares plans to impose a 28-day window before it'll make its titles available for rental. Despite conceding that the studio hadn't seen any impact on overall DVD sales, CEO Bob Iger pointed to a 16 percent drop in quarterly revenue compared to 2010 as the motivation. It's also collecting splinters in its backside as it watches to see how well digital locker service UltraViolet fares with consumers before committing to join the program. Of course, given the legitimacy of First Sale Doctrine, it's possible Redbox will do as its done with Warner titles and just buy 'em at retail -- as long as it can cover its costs as it does so.

Disney considering 28-day rental window, because 'On Stranger Tides' was that good originally appeared on Engadget on Wed, 08 Feb 2012 18:46:00 EDT. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Solid Ideas To Any Home Improvement Job - Networked Politics

If it really is done ideal, a remodeling venture may add tremendous value to your household. Completing these projects will take time, patience, and income. Within this write-up we will share with you a few of the very best time and cash-saving ideas for completing your next home improvement project.

Bathroom

If you are looking for household improvement projects that happen to be guaranteed to raise the value of your home, you can?t go wrong with a bathroom or kitchen remodel. Builders and genuine estate agents estimation that perfecting these rooms is likely to earn you over 100 percent back on your own investment when you put your house up for sale.

Is it cheaper to carry out it your self or pay someone else? If you decide to entirely re-do your bathroom, but know nothing about plumbing, it could be helpful to pay a plumber to are offered in. Also, you can check out the self assistance books at your local building supply. Don?t be afraid to request. A simple venture shouldn?t cost far more because of inexperience.

Constantly allow for extra time when you find yourself doing a home improvement project that involves plumbing. No one likes being with out their cooking area or their bathroom for an extended period of time. You would like to hope that you can obtain the job done within a day or two and be back up and operating rapidly. Nonetheless, rerouting pipes and installing sinks together with other fixtures takes time, and unexpected elements almost always come up. Strategy on projects that involve plumbing to use longer than you expect them to use.

An very easy, quick strategy to update your home with some home enhancements should be to get started with your cabinet hardware. No matter if you choose to upgrade your bathroom or kitchen, changing the cupboard knobs, drawer pulls, and hinges can instantly change the appearance with the whole space.

Home improvement projects create images of buckets filled with paint, dust, construction, together with other stressful tips. While this is one particular type of house improvement venture, not all are very associated. Get started with tiny stuff, like remodeling a guest bathroom, to experience if it really is something which you possess the capacity for.

Not each home improvement work you tackle is likely to be difficult. Some jobs may even seem very easy. But if you do not realize the best way to adequately pull them off of, you are going to lead to much more harm than great inside your home. What you?ve just see above have been some excellent improvement guidelines. Utilize them to the benefit.

For facts with respect to a href=?http://www.flooringbysammer.com/?dallas bathroom remodeling/a, pay a visit to Danna E Kveen?s website directly.

Source: http://www.networked-politics.info/?p=55621

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Top 10 Compensation Mistakes Made by Small Businesses ...

Published on Monday 6 February 2012 Published on Monday 6 February 2012

BY LENA BOTTOS, CCP, GRP, VICE PRESIDENT OF COMPENSATION, KENEXA? AND

CATHERINE DOVEY, CCP, SPHR, PRINCIPAL, COMPENSATION WORKS

Small businesses frequently fall into the trap of treating compensation programs as ?something to worry about when we get bigger.? The fact is, small organizations need to attract, retain and motivate employees, and compensation is a critical piece of total rewards. Small organizations commonly make compensation mistakes that affect business performance and growth.

Following are the top 10 mistakes small organizations make in their compensation programs.

10. SHHH! TELLING MANAGERS AND EMPLOYEES NOT TO TALK ABOUT PAY

Keeping pay discussions and compensation levels discreet makes HR?s job easier and does away with many difficult discussions related to pay. While this practice was successful a few decades ago, in today?s world employees share everything. These days, employees not only share their salary amounts with co-workers, but they post salary amounts on social networking sites and even dating sites. Rather than asking employees and managers to do the impossible and keep salaries secret, expect that this will happen and be certain to clean up all the good, bad and ugly secrets that could be revealed.

9. ADJUSTING PAY STRUCTURES WITHOUT LOOKING AT PAY LEVELS FOR EACH JOB

Many small employers assume the market moves in lock-step, with salary levels for all jobs always changing at the same rate. They believe if they just move their pay structures each year their pay plan will be fine. However, pay moves differently for different positions. Over a three-year period, these variances compound, and they can run as high as 12 percent to 20 percent. Employers then are faced with making a large and expensive correction to their pay plan. Make sure you look at actual market data for all positions at least every other year.

8. LIVING BY EXCEPTION. CREATING AND ENABLING INTERNAL INEQUITY

Just because an organization is small doesn?t mean it can?t put proper compensation policies and philosophies into place. The trap many small organizations fall into is dealing with each employee as an individual and focusing on the person, not the role. Over time, the company will find itself struggling with internal inequity issues. We know employees are sharing salary information, and that means internal inequity situations inevitably will bubble up. When every salary decision is treated as an exception, it can cause widespread employee dissatisfaction.

7. GOING IT ALONE

It isn?t uncommon that the person in charge of compensation at a small organization has fallen into the role as the organization has grown. At very small organizations (less than 25 employees), many times the office manager or bookkeeper is tasked with executing the CEO?s compensation decisions. Just as you hire tax advisors, rather than expecting the CFO to be an expert in all areas, compensation is a sub-specialty within HR. An HR generalist won?t be a specialist in every aspect of HR, and reaching out to a consultant is a great way to complete a project. The right consultant won?t just complete the project, but will train HR staff along the way, so it?s easy to maintain any programs put into place.

6. NOT USING THE PROPER TOOLS AND ASSUMING YOU ARE PAYING AT MARKET

A wealth of data and technology is available to HR departments to help research, develop and execute compensation programs. HR professionals at smaller organizations often don?t look into such tools, because they assume robust solutions come with robust pricing, and budgets for HR effectiveness software are typically thin. While there are very large solutions for very large organizations, smaller organizations shouldn?t assume small-company versions of software and data packages are not available. Many times, all you have to do is ask.

5. BEING CHEAP?SAVING MONEY ON SURVEY DATA

Small organizations pay differently, but how differently? Knowing small organizations pay differently doesn?t mean it is okay to be cheap. Finding the right salary data to represent an organization?s relative recruiting market is key to attracting and retaining talent. Salary survey data is only useful if it represents an organization?s relative recruiting market?that is, it represents organizations from which the company recruits talent, or organizations the company loses talent to. Data sliced for this industry, size and location will help the organization position itself for success. Good survey data is expensive, but bad survey data is more expensive. Most businesses? biggest expense is labor costs. Look at the relative cost of a $1,000 salary survey: If you calculate the percentage of that cost relative to your annual labor cost expenses, you will see what a wise investment good survey data is.

4. DIVA SYNDROME

Small organizations frequently encompass newer businesses and technologies, which naturally draw owners and staff with big egos, who misplace the importance of their organizations. Looking for comparable salary data for a specialized organization is nearly impossible, but that doesn?t mean there isn?t comparable market data (see relevant recruiting market). Chances are, the organization is recruiting talent from organizations in broader industries, not the same niche industry. Yes, your organization is special and different, but how you pay people isn?t.

3. THINKING SMALL?NOT UNDERSTANDING THE COMPETITION

Small employers often believe they are competing for staff against the same organizations with which they compete for clients. While this may be true for some positions, it is rarely that simple. Employers typically compete with both small and large organizations for staff. Most jobs have transferable skills that allow the incumbent to move into a job in different industry. A great work environment or a convenient location can allow for slightly lower base pay rates, but the pay must be relatively competitive within the larger labor market to attract and retain employees.

2. ASSUMING A THREE-PERCENT MERIT BUDGET IS TOO SMALL TO USE FOR DIFFERENTIATING PAY

Believe it or not, a 3 percent merit budget is adequate for making meaningful increases. However, this means you must make difficult decisions and initiate difficult conversations related to pay. Your superstars will receive considerable increases, while some employees will not receive an increase. This is the way to achieve true pay for performance. Taking the peanut butter approach, in other words giving a 3 percent increase to everyone, is the easy way out. Managers frequently take this approach to avoid difficult conversations with employees. It?s better to give merit increases for rewardable behaviors and performance, not for doing only what?s required to get the job done. Think of it this way: If one of your two children does all her chores, would you give both the same allowance?

1. COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION: NOT TEACHING MANAGERS AND EMPLOYEES HOW THE SYSTEM WORKS

Employees and managers need to understand your pay system fully. Employees want to hear about pay issues from their managers, not from HR. Managers who don?t understand the system have a very difficult time holding pay discussions with those who report directly to them. When managers and employees need to discuss this sensitive issue, the discussions will be more successful if you have explained the basics of the plan to employees and shared details with managers. You can?t provide training or communication about a plan that exists only in the CEO?s head. Many organizations go through the process of conducting a market analysis and assessing the pay placement of staff, but neglect to tell all employees the work was performed. Without information, employees assume no one is paying attention to their pay, and are more likely to go searching for data on the Internet or to shop their r?sum?. Research shows good communication about pay programs increases employee satisfaction without increasing costs. Take credit for the time and energy you put into your pay plan. Tell your staff about it.

CONCLUSION

Small businesses compete for talent every day, and appropriate pay levels are one of the top reasons individuals join organizations. Make sure your pay plan supports your business objectives. The small businesses of today are the large businesses of tomorrow. Avoid compensation traps common to small business HR departments, and you will attract, retain and motivate the talent that is critical for growing your business successfully.

About the Authors

Lena Bottos, CCP GRP

As Vice President of Compensation at Kenexa?, Lena Bottos is responsible for managing client relationships and ensuring accurate and timely delivery of services. Leveraging more than 10 years of experience in compensation and benefits consulting, she contributes to research about trends in compensation practice and spends time meeting with customers and other compensation professionals to understand the challenges that HR professionals face in today?s market.

In addition to numerous interviews with media outlets such as NPR, CBS MarketWatch and the Christian Science Monitor, Ms. Bottos has contributed to several books and has spoken at conferences for WorldatWork and the Society for Human Resource Management.

Catherine Dovey, CCP, SPHR

Compensation Works founder and principal Catherine Dovey, CCP, SPHR, has worked in human resources for more than 20 years. Compensation and pay systems are her primary specialty. Depending on client need, Ms. Dovey will partner with other experts for specific projects.

Ms. Dovey has designed and managed base pay plans, incentive plans, performance management systems and job evaluation systems. Her extensive experience includes union and non-union environments in private companies and nonprofit and public sector organizations. Industries served range from finance, health care and food processing to advertising, gaming and manufacturing.

Source: http://www.compensationworks.com/top-10-compensation-mistakes-made-by-small-businesses/

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Oregon copter pilot has knack for finding the lost

FILE - This Dec. 6, 2006 file photo shows helicopter pilot John Rachor standing in front of his helicopter, in Medford, Ore. When Southern Oregonians see a tiny orange and yellow helicopter flying overhead, it could be Rachor on his way to yet another volunteer rescue mission. On Saturday, Rachor found three members of a Gold Beach family and their dog after they got lost mushroom picking. The family spent six nights without food, slept in a hollow log, and considered killing their dog for food. (AP Photo/San Francisco Chronicle, Carlos Avila Gonzalez) MAGS OUT, NO SALES, NORTHERN CA MANDATORY CREDIT

FILE - This Dec. 6, 2006 file photo shows helicopter pilot John Rachor standing in front of his helicopter, in Medford, Ore. When Southern Oregonians see a tiny orange and yellow helicopter flying overhead, it could be Rachor on his way to yet another volunteer rescue mission. On Saturday, Rachor found three members of a Gold Beach family and their dog after they got lost mushroom picking. The family spent six nights without food, slept in a hollow log, and considered killing their dog for food. (AP Photo/San Francisco Chronicle, Carlos Avila Gonzalez) MAGS OUT, NO SALES, NORTHERN CA MANDATORY CREDIT

Dan Conne carries two of his dogs out of the Curry County animal shelter in Gold Beach, Ore., on Sunday, Feb. 5, 2012 where they were cared for while he, his wife and son spent six nights lost in the forest of southwestern Oregon. The Connes were rescued Saturday. (AP Photo/Jeff Barnard)

Belinda Conne, right, cries in the arms of a friend Sunday, Feb. 5, 2012 at a hospital in Gold Beach, Ore., at the thought she and her husband and son might have killed their dog for food if they hadn't been found after six nights lost in the woods. The three were rescued Saturday after a volunteer helicopter pilot spotted them on the edge of a ravine in tall timber. (AP Photo/Jeff Barnard)

Dan Conne hugs his dog, Jesse, Sunday, Feb. 5, 2012 at the pound in Gold Beach, Ore., where he was with her after they spent six night lost in the woods. Conne, his wife, Belinda, and son, Michael were airlifted out of the Rogue River-Siskiyou National Forest on Saturday and spent the night at the Curry General Hospital recuperating from their ordeal. The dog walked out with a ground search team. Conne said at one point he thought he might have to kill the dog for food, but his wife said they never could have done that. (AP Photo/Jeff Barnard)

(AP) ? A few years ago, John Rachor painted his helicopter orange and yellow, so it would be easier to spot if he ever crashed and became the target of a search and rescue operation in the rugged forests of southwestern Oregon.

Over the past six years, he has been the one doing the spotting.

On Saturday, Rachor found three members of a Gold Beach family after they got lost while picking mushrooms. The family spent six nights without food, slept in a hollow log, and considered killing their dog for food. Rain showers left them damp and cold as they fought through wet brush. Without a lighter, they couldn't start a fire to ward off cold nights when temperatures dipped into the 30s.

It was a similar story in 2006, when Rachor spotted a San Francisco mother and her two daughters who had been lost more than a week in the same rugged region of the Klamath Mountains, where steep ridges covered with loose rocks, brush and tall Douglas fir trees make the going tough, and a maze of abandoned logging roads can get people without a map and compass hopelessly lost.

In between he has found several others ? he doesn't keep track of how many ? who didn't get as much attention.

"He's crazy good," said Sara Rubrecht, search and rescue coordinator for Josephine County. "I have a picture of the area he found the subjects (on Saturday). When you talk about a needle in a haystack, that's an understatement."

She said Rachor has something that can't be taught in a classroom, a "natural ability to see things from the sky."

"He's flying a helicopter at the same time," Rubrecht said. "He obviously is a good multi-tasker."

Rachor attributes his success to good eyesight, an ability to spot things out of the ordinary, a willingness to think outside the box, and the efforts of the scores of other people involved in a search.

"I like to think of it as a knack" more than luck, he said. "It wasn't me. There are a lot of people that put a lot of effort into it."

Rachor, 63, is a fourth-generation Oregonian. The son of a log truck driver, he went to a technical college to study diesel mechanics. He served as a mechanic in the Navy Seabees in Vietnam, and was married with two kids and working for a truck distributorship when he got a chance to buy a Burger King franchise. He eventually built 13 of them, but has since sold them and been elected a Jackson County commissioner.

He first learned to fly an airplane about 35 years ago, and switched to a helicopter so he could fly to his remote vacation home, where a grassy field is long enough for a small plane to take off, but not without flying under a towering steel bridge. The home is in Agness, a remote and tiny settlement about 30 miles up the Rogue River from the southern Oregon Coast that lives off sport fishing and whitewater rafting. It is just a few miles from where he found the mushroom pickers.

His four-seater Robinson R-44 used to be painted white, with flames on the sides.

"I painted it bright orange and yellow so it would be visible in case I ever crashed, they could find me in the snow," he said.

Rachor joined Jackson County search and rescue as a ground-pounder and snowmobile driver several years before he started volunteering with his helicopter. He had to quit when he was elected because having authority over the budget was a conflict of interest.

"But if there is a 4-year-old boy in there, all bets are off," he said. "I'm going in there anyway."

In 2006, he was with his family at Diamond Lake, hunting for Christmas trees, when he read about the Kim family disappearing while driving from Portland to a lodge outside Gold Beach. Familiar with the lay of the land from frequent flights to his vacation home in Agness, he figured they might have made the bad decision to drive a one-lane logging road in winter through the Rogue River-Siskiyou National Forest. A popular shortcut for whitewater rafters in summer, it is not plowed of snow in winter, and people frequently get stranded.

He checked in with the Josephine County search headquarters for likely areas, and went looking on his own. He spotted Kati Kim waving her umbrella. Unable to land, he directed another helicopter that picked her up with her two daughters. James Kim got lost trying to hike out for help, and died of hypothermia in a creek.

Since then, Rachor has volunteered his helicopter for about a dozen searches, for the living and the dead, and delivered medicine to people snowed in at remote cabins.

He regularly trains with Curry County search and rescue. Though the state reimburses for fuel and federal timber funds help offset search and rescue operations, cash-strapped counties like Curry depend on volunteers who can help out for free, Sheriff John Bishop said.

"Any time we can get a helicopter in the air it gives us an advantage," Bishop said.

Rachor was planning to join the search for the Conne family last Friday, but had a cold, and waited a day.

He and Sheriff's Lt. John Ward had been flying about two hours when Rachor decided to go outside the search area. He knew from experience that when people get lost, they don't always go where you expect.

Rachor spotted a movement, something out of the ordinary on such a calm day. A man in tan bib overalls was waving his arms.

Two ground teams were within several hundred yards, and probably would have found them the same day, said Bishop and Rubrecht. But they were happy Rachor beat them to it.

"We kind of laugh about it now, after he found these folks," said Rubrecht. "I felt like, 'All right, next time somebody needs to call him earlier.'"

___

Associated Press writer Jeff Barnard can be reached on Twitter (at)Jeff BarnardAP

Associated Press

Source: http://hosted2.ap.org/APDEFAULT/3d281c11a96b4ad082fe88aa0db04305/Article_2012-02-07-Hero%20Chopper%20Pilot/id-f620cd1ed87849caa3a80744d4aa9439

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TiVo shares appear to be discounted: report (Reuters)

(Reuters) ? TiVo Inc is trading at a compelling discount and could be a possible acquisition target by Microsoft or Google, Barron's financial newspaper reported on Sunday.

TiVo, whose brand is synonymous with digital video recorders, has turned to litigation to generate revenue from licensing fees as the industry pioneer has struggled to fight competition from low-cost rivals in recent years.

In January, it pocketed $215 million from AT&T to settle a patent infringement dispute. The settlement could bode well for TiVo's lawsuit with Verizon, which is centered around the same patents.

Barron's said the company may one day sue Time Warner Cable, which has more subscribers than AT&T and Verizon.

TiVo added subscribers in the third quarter for the first time in four years, Barron's said. It has signed distribution deals with Virgin Media, a cable company based in Britain, and other operators such as Spain's ONO and DirecTV in the United States.

TiVo's shares closed at $11.23 on Friday. Barron's said the stock is trading significantly below some analysts' price targets of $17 and $18 per share.

The company could fetch a takeover price in the mid-$20s if it was acquired by Microsoft or Google, according to Barron's.

(Reporting By Liana B. Baker; Editing by Maureen Bavdek)

Source: http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/rss/personaltech/*http%3A//news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20120205/bs_nm/us_tivo

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The Most Beautiful Way to Carry Essential Cash and Cards [Desired]

My wallet is a big leather repository for the millions of tiny pieces of paper I accumulate every day. I try to keep it clean, but somehow I'm still carrying years worth of membership cards, business cards, and even foreign currency. And until I saw this elegant little money clip, I never really thought I had an alternative. More »


Source: http://feeds.gawker.com/~r/gizmodo/full/~3/kFkmTftH3F8/the-most-beautiful-way-to-carry-essential-cash-and-cards

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Skype vs. Sufi whirling for our Turkish-American ?marital moments ...

As with any couple, we have disagreements. OK, and we have arguments that are, ahem, occasionally heated.? I am sure many of you can relate? Well, add to that two mix two different culturally imbued communication styles ? and you get what another American wife in a Turkish-American marriage refers to as a ?drive-by? moment.

Let me explicate ? the tagline for this blog is ?A road-trip through one Turkish-American marriage with backseat-driving Karag?z puppets,? you know, sort of like a drive-through? A drive-by, in gangstah parlance is a shooting.? I *howled* with laughter when she made this comment in my blog a few days ago.

Esma, the hippie puppet, steps in at this point and reminds me that what I really need is to go on a retreat with a bunch of female Sufis and whirl myself to peace and love (such as the women are in the above left photo, dancing in Bursa as pictured by Hurriyet Daily News). She may be right, this tiny little puppet, but she isn?t married to M. in our most challenging moments. And as he might say back to me, Esma isn?t married to Liz (me) in hers! On a more serious note, I am sure I could learn a lot by joining the Sufi search for love?and maybe the time will come for that. Who knows.For now, I take it as a well-deserved suggestion to get back on the path to peace.

Yes, this is part of life with a partner, arguments, the need for patience and good communication. BUT ? I write today with some good news. Skype may be of assistance to us all in slowing down and listening to one another ? and checking ourselves when ?triggered.? This winter break, I spent some time with our dog down in Provincetown while M. was in the city working. We spoke on Skype each night. We were in the flux of making a decision about something big ? and were having some disagreement moments.

But I started to notice something important.Usually, I fly by red flags I set up for myself when making an argument ? probably unduly influenced by all of the courtroom arguments I used to have to make as a forensic social worker in New York City in my past career. But here, in the quiet of Provincetown, sitting at the dining room table on Skype, I was able to catch myself a slight bit more by noticing that ?red flag? that tells you to slow down your speaking, lower your voice, check the attitude and filter the tone in the voice as a deep ravine is around the corner and you are about to flip over the guard rail (i.e. argument hence!).

Fast forward to last night, we got into a murky marsh around a difficult issue we have not been able to resolve about the use of space and the management of time.? I almost suggested that M. go upstairs to get on Skype while I logged on in the living room so that we could try arguing virtually ? almost. :) I tried whirling a bit per Esma?s suggestion, but I got dizzy and gave up. I don?t mean to treat a sacred Sufi rite lightly, but giving it a whirl was all I had at that frustrated moment.? I managed to just leave the whole topic well enough alone until the conversation was ready to finish, but it was tough to do it.

Today, it resolved itself (for now).? We had a wonderful resolution conversation and made some next step plans.? One of the things we realized was that when we get tense ? M.?s ability to comprehend the larger context in English (although he is almost fluent) flies out the window and I get impatient.? I need to accommodate this more.? We need to slow down.? We need to do better about listening ? and putting things on the table.? What couple doesn?t? It?s been a tough week, full of my flu, the struggles of a young friend of ours we are very worried about ? and all the usual as well ? work-family-choices-in-life.

[Side note: Kenne the Queen of Manners and Proper Ladylike Behavior is wailing in the corner with rage ? she is horrified that I would even DEIGN to argue with my husband ? not a lady?s role, she tells me. She tells me to use my Granny?s line ?Whatever you say, dear,? delivered with a slight bit of disdain. Esma just tells me to meditate more. Hacivad Bey reminds me that relationships are all about the process, Skype or no Skype, whirling or no whirling.

So, cross-cultural couples out there, what do you have to say about how culture ? and language ? filter into your arguments? Let?s break the barrier of talking about what is REALLY challenging ? seems to me so many cross-cultural relationship discussions don?t step into the gap?

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Source: http://slowly-by-slowly.com/2012/02/05/skype-as-a-mediating-factor-in-our-turkish-american-marital-moments-of-woe/

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